The Thoughts are Back...

The moment you realize that you really don't have anyone is when you get on snapchat...and everyone, and their mom is out partying while you're at home...sitting on the couch with only your thoughts to keep you company.

People say all the time, "Oh you have plenty of friends."

Do I though? Do I really have these so-called "plenty of friends?" My routine is the same. School, Zeta business, work, repeat. Just because I have interactions within those settings with people doesn't mean that I hang out with them outside of those settings.  Now is that my fault?

Do put myself into these situations where it leaves me left on the couch while everyone else goes out? 

Loneliness is a constant battle that I fight. The thoughts that I shouldn't be having I have. The thoughts that only friends can keep at bay are front and center. But let's go back to an important question: Am I putting myself in these situations?

Do I purposely not hang out with people because I already know that I'm going to the odd man out? Do I intentionally not go out with groups of friends because I know that I'll ultimately be pretending that I'm enjoying myself? 

Are the reasons I give as to why I can't hang out actually true? Or are they the best excuse I could come up with to hide the fact that every time I look around everyone has their own cliques already and I don't want to inconvenience them. They already have a good number of close friends already...Why would I want to throw myself into the mix? What's worse being lonely by your self or when you're surrounded by people? It seems I'd rather stay at home and wallow in self-pity as I look from a distance than to actually be in the mix and feel like I have no one.

Someone told me that I have too many barriers up and it's ultimately hurting me. That the walls I built are preventing me from being social and that I should put my pride aside and talk to people. But don't we build walls to protect us?

So why do I have to take down my walls to let other people in?

To tear down the walls I've constructed after being cut so deep and open myself to the possibility of hurt that really the only logical answer?

Abigale Godwin